One Smile and a Billion Tears of Pain Hidden
by Silenceandmoods
Summary: Nessie has been going through difficult times at school and eventually falls into a stage of depression. She turns to Carlisle first to begin her long journey to recovery, but that road never was smooth. WARNING: SELF-MUTILATION MENTIONED! RATED M!
1. Chained by Fear and Pain

**Chapter One**

It was a rainy morning in Forks (like always) but this morning I felt a weight of nerves and fear on my shoulders. Everyone in the family had left on a hunting trip except for Carlisle who stayed with me upon my request! I wasn't sure what I was thinking when I was planning this but it was a very exhausting battle in my head. I had to tell Carlisle because I've gone so low that I'm in this darkness and can't find my way out. I need someone to help me. I would have continued with my train of thought when my phone vibrated, it was my best friend Emilia who wrote:

_Stop making excuses and go tell him! You need him to help you! Please!_

I sighed, she was right, I did need his help. So I took one long deep breath and rose from my desk chair, I took the short walk down the hall to Carlisle's office and as my knuckles were about to hit the mahogany door but then I froze with fear once more! I scurried quickly back to my room shutting the door!

"I can't do this! I'm crazy for even considering it!" I told myself quietly so as to avoid Carlisle's vampire ears from detecting anything, "I don't need help! I'm fine!" I began pacing the floor of my room.

_No you're not! The scars on your wrist are proof that you're not fine,_ I thought in my head.

"He's going to be so angry with me! It's going to be awful"

_You know that's not true, _my thoughts contradicted again.

With that I once more walked to Carlisle's door and even though I almost chickened out, I found one last ounce of courage inside me and knocked on the door lightly, almost a whisper of a sound. I was hoping he might not hear the knock but I had no luck because his soothing voice answered, letting me come in.

Carlisle was sitting behind his desk like usual; he looked up from his book and smiled at me. "Renessmee, welcome, have a seat" he said smiling while gesturing toward the couch and closing his book. I walk over to the empty seat and sit down, shortly after he sits next to me as well. My heart is racing and that means that Carlisle can hear it also. My hands begin to tremble and I'm no longer calm.

"What pleasure do I owe this visit to?" he asked in a kind voice.

"Well…" I paused, "I don't know how I'm going to start this" I thought in my head but apparently I spoke it out loud as well.

"I have all the time in the world for you Nessie; I'm not rushing you at all"

I took another deep breath before I began, "Carlisle, remember when I came home crying that one day in freshmen year?"

"Yes, I do" he spoke with a hint of sadness in his voice, "you were upset about rumors that were being spread about you."

"Yes and remember when I was talking to Jacob on the phone?" I said my voice cracking as it began to lose its barrier. He nodded acknowledging that he knew what I was talking about so I continued, "on the phone I told Jacob that it gets really hard sometimes" my voice broke and a lone tear slid down my face, the first of many to surrender "well grandpa, it's _been_ really hard. For a long time now and I've done so much damage I need help to fix it" the walls holding my tears back crumbled and I began sobbing.

Carlisle pulled me into a tight hug just letting me claw at his shirt as I cried my heart out. I can't remember the last time I cried so much, I always had to be strong, and I couldn't show my weakness. Renessmee Carlie Cullen was not a person to be seen as weak or vulnerable!

"Shhh…hush now darling, everything will be fine, shhh….calm down for grandpa, Honey" Carlisle spoke soothingly to me and after a while my cries were reduced to hiccups and sobs.

"Now, Nessie, I want you to tell me what you're feeling so I can understand. Tell me what has been going on so I can understand" he told me while running his hands through my long scarlet locks.

"The girls in the school…" I paused, interrupted by a hiccup, "they call me things. They call me a whore because Jacob is older than me and they think he is only dating me because I can please a man in bed…and then they tell me that I'm ugly and that I should commit suicide" more tears came but I continued, "and then there is this notebook that goes around the school, people write bad things about other people inside of it and on some pages it says that I have several STD's and that I charge people $3 to have…ummm…well sex, for lack of a better word. It has been so bad that I hide in the bathroom during lunch time to avoid everyone" I paused twisting my fingers around before saying the next thing, "I've heard it for so long that…I'm actually starting to believe them".

"Renessmee, my dear child you have everything all mixed up in your head" he said in an old and wise tone, "you are nothing even _close _to ugly, you are beautiful in every way possible. Those people who tease you are the ones who should be taking a good, long look at themselves in the mirror because they are the ugly ones. I don't know why people choose to act the way they do but I do know that we can choose to be good or bad people in this life and for naïve people like the ones that tease you, they often choose to be mean because they envy you."

"Grandpa, I hate to break it to you but I've heard that several times before…it's going to take a lot more convincing then that"

"Well Renessmee, it may be something in the history book but the truth never gets old. Scientifically speaking that is why people tease others, studies have proven it for many years- I would know, don't you think?" he said trying to lighten the mood while looking down at me, I was still nervous though, I was biting the bottom of my lip, I still hadn't told him yet. He chuckled and pull my lip from the grip of my teeth, "just like your mother, always had a habit of doing that when she was nervous but the real question at hand is, why _you _are still nervous?"

"Carlisle, I have something else to tell you…" I paused, "but I can't tell you…"

"Well, you could _show_ me instead if you'd like…"

"I'm not going to show you with my gift but I will show you…physically" I stood up from the couch and turned my back to him taking a deep breath. I turn to face him holding out my right arm. He takes the hint and pushes up the sleeve of my sweater. He sees thin lines that look like scratches scattered about my arm, light marks show them. He just stares at my arm for a while and I begin to shake with fear, what is he thinking? Is he mad? Is he shocked? Will he punish me? Thoughts raced through my mind all at once before he finally looked up, his amber eyes held shock laced with sadness.

"Please don't hate me Carlisle, please don't hate me…" I begged as a fresh cloud of tears rained down my cheek.

"Oh Honey, I don't hate you, not one bit" he said pulling me into a tight hug and dragging me to sit on his lap, he held me and rocked me while I cried before he spoke again.

"Nessie, I need you to tell me, are there any more?" I nodded silently, looking at the floor, "where?" his eyes bulged begging to know. I stood up and lowered the top of my sweat pants half an inch to my hips where three or four lines tattooed my skin and then I took my left arm and pulled up the row of bracelets to reveal another five lines.

"Oh Renessmee!" he said standing up and pacing the floor of his office, "for how long?"

"2 years…"

He stopped in his track and looked at me, he walked over getting down on one knee to my level, "Nessie, we have to tell the family, they have to know"


	2. Lying hurts the most

**Chapter Two**

My mind took a minute to realize exactly what Carlisle had said; he wanted to tell the family about my…problem.

"No! Carlisle, please! I beg of you, don't tell them. My dad will be so angry with me; he'll yell at me and…and please don't tell them!" I said looking to the ground.

He took my chin in his hand, forcing my eyes to look at him, "Nessie, your father will not be upset with you by any means once so ever. I promise you! If anything he'll be worried, I know my own son Nessie."

"But Carlisle…I had a problem telling you, just ONE person! I can't tell another EIGHT people!"

"You won't have to if you don't want to, I'll tell them for you" his golden eyes showing me the passage of hope when I looked into them, "but they have to know, you need treatment-"

My mind froze at the word treatment not hearing anything else Carlisle had said. I wanted help but not from…from a…a psychologist. I said the word in my head as if it was some type of profanity. I thought the worse that could happen was that Carlisle would keep a close eye on me and keep sharp objects away from me but never this!

"Nessie?" he asked bringing me back to the problem at hand, "I lost you for a moment."

"Yeah, you did, when you said the word treatment" I said shocked, "I don't need treatment Carlisle. I'll stop! I will!" I said, but deep down I knew it was a lie, I had told myself I would stop so many times and I never followed through.

"No, you are not going to stop Nessie. I know you aren't because that is the common situation with these cases."

"But…Carlisle…it's intimidating to talk to a…a…" I had a hard time getting the word out.

Carlisle raised his eyebrow, "A psychiatrist?" he said filling in the word for me.

"Yes! That! I can't talk to them about….about this thing!" I never said the word; _self-harm, self-mutilation, cutter_. Those were words that I never spoke, I don't know why though.

"By 'this thing'" Carlisle questioned, "You mean self-harming?" he asked.

"Yes, I don't like to say the word, ok?" I said a little too aggressively but he let it slide this once.

"I see and would you like to explain why you don't like to say it?" he asked

I didn't want to answer it but it wasn't meant to be rhetorical so I had to come up with an excuse!

"We are getting off topic here! The point is that…" I paused mid-sentence as I was about to tell another lie but in all honesty….I was tired of lying, lying to Jacob, to dad and mom, Esme, Rose, Emmett, Alice, Jasper…myself. I didn't want to lie anymore, "…I'm scared that the family won't see me the same and will start treating me differently." I said in almost a whisper while looking down at the ground.

"Nessie" he got down on one knee in front of me so that his gold eyes were leveled with mine, "Listen to everything I am about to say without interruption. I need you to know that you will never be anything less than a Cullen to us. You will always be a part of this family, no matter what! Yes, you may self-harm but things will get better- I promise. Once you leave high school and go onto college it will be as if this was all a bad nightmare and I'm glad you told me about this because if you hadn't you could have gone your whole life self-harming and causing permanent damage."

"You promise me it will get better?" I said after listening to his speech.

He nodded, "You have my word on it." He pulled me into a hug and I stayed like that for a while just taking in his calming scent before I pulled away.

"Carlisle…do I have to be there when you tell the family?"

"It would be the best choice but I can do it while you are gone for the day at school" he offered. I thought that would be worse, coming home and seeing all their faces with disappointment and worry, I couldn't handle it.

"No, I think I'll stay in the room" I told him.

"Good, I'm glad to hear that…now why don't you go to your room while I make some calls" the translation for this was: I need you to leave so I can tell the family to come home early and see if I can find one of my psychiatric co-worker to be your new doctor.

I left gladly not wanting to hear the conversation.

**Author's Note: I hope you all enjoyed the second part of the story. The next part will be when she tells the family about what is going on. I know it is a short chapter but I promise that more is soon to come! :) Please Review! NOTE: THOSE WHO REVIEW WILL GET A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT CHAPTER! As well, tell me in a review how you think each family member might react to Nessie's self-harming. **


	3. Telling the Family

"Carlisle," Edward spoke into the phone with a nervous tone, "is everything alright?" I was about to answer his question and tell him everything was ok but how can I tell him everything was ok when his daughter is in such emotional distress.

"We have many things to discuss with the family so I was hoping the family and you could come home early from the hunting trip?" I said in a calming tone so as not to worry him even more but my attempt had failed.

"What? Why? What is wrong? Is there something wrong with Nessie?" his tone of voice was panicked now.

"Edward, this conversation has to wait till we are face to face and with the rest of the family" it sounded like he was going to object but I heard someone, maybe Bella, tell him to just hang up so they could start going home. "Fine Carlisle, we'll be there soon" he spoke before the line went dead. I ran my hand through my hair after making the call knowing the next one would be to my good friend and psychiatrist, Logan Caldwell.

I sighed and put my head in my hands, massaging my temples! I still couldn't wrap my mind around it, how could Nessie do such a thing, she must have been in such distress and she held it all in. It must have felt like the world was weighing on her weak 16 year old shoulders. I sigh stopping my train of thought and pick up the phone dialing the nine digit number; Logan worked today so I'm sure he was at his office.

"Dr. Caldwell's office, how may I be of assistance to you today?"

"Logan, this is Carlisle Cullen" I said tersely.

"Carlisle" he greeted me, "how are you my old friend?"

"I've been good but I'm calling because I need a favor" I paused wondering how to phrase this to him.

"Well, you've done so much for me so whatever it is, consider it done!" he spoke.

"I have a new patient for you"

"Oh?" he said, curiosity danced in his voice, "who is it?"

"Actually it's my granddaughter, she confessed to me today that she suffers from self-mutilation and I'm at a loss of how to help her so I thought that maybe you could be of some help"

"Of course, I'd be honored to help! Has she given you any information yet? Just to see what I am working with here?"

"Yes" I answer thinking about what she told me, "She has been self-mutilating for 2 years now. She is bullied at school and there are terrible rumors spread about her. People have also told her that she should kill herself. I'm sure there is more that she isn't telling us but that is all she told me."

"I see" he says and I can hear the pen scribbling on the paper on the other end, "and have you seen her scars, are they deep?"

"Well they vary-" I paused mid-sentence as I smelled blood in the air with my vampire senses, "Logan, I'll have to call you back, I smell blood from Renessmee's room!"

"Ok! And Carlisle, it is very important that you don't take away sharp objects from her, that shows that you don't trust her and she's been doing it for so long, if she really wanted to cut she will find a way, just watch her and make sure you tell her you are there to listen and most importantly- DO NOT OVER REACT OR YELL OR SCREAM AT HER!"

"Ok! Thanks Logan!" I hung up after that running to Nessie's room. The smell of blood becoming more evident in the air, I push open the door and find Nessie with a bleeding cut but no sharp objects were anywhere near by, she probably hid it when she heard me coming.

"I'm sorry Carlisle, I know it's a sad excuse and not a very good one but that is all I have left to say!" tears streaming down her face.

I ran over to the bathroom and grabbed a hand towel running it under water and going back to Nessie, I applied pressure to the cut and thankfully enough it stopped, the cut wasn't very deep and I was just thankful that it wasn't worse. Nessie sat in silence looking at her arm as I kept examining the scar.

"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" she asked in almost a whisper, I wasn't even sure if it was meant for me to hear.

"No Sweetheart, not at all! You aren't crazy, you are in deep emotional distress and you dealt with it the best way you thought possible but you aren't crazy by any means."

"I'm so sorry Carlisle; I don't want to be like this! I want to be a normal person, I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm so sorry…" she said with shame oozing in her voice.

"Well, that is why we have resources available; you aren't the only one suffering from this. I have seen full grown people who use to suffer from this and have become very successful and content people. It's all a matter of getting the right type of treatment and wanting to recover."

She stayed silent after that but the silence was quickly broken when I said "let's go to my office so that I can bandage this cut, it's fairly deep but not deep enough to need stiches." This seemed to make her flinch, I quickly picked up on the fact that she didn't like that I said the cut was deep. As she and I walked to my office in more silence she sat on the couch and waited while I dug up some bandages and medical tape. I pulled my chair over to her and began bandaging her arm. She kept silent for a while and I could tell by the way she was quiet that she was in deep thought about something.

"What's on your mind, Sweetie?" I asked once I was done.

She lifted her eyes to look at me and then quickly back at the floor, "nothing, I'm fine. Thank you for bandaging my arm" she was about to get up from the couch but I grabbed her hand and gently pulled her back down. I took her chin gently in my hand to make her look at me, "darling, please tell me what is on your mind. I want to help as much as I can" I spoke pleadingly.

"I've been thinking about what I'm going to say to the family when you tell them…" she spoke in a silent whisper.

I sighed and tapped her chin, wanting her eyes to avert to mine, "Renessmee, whatever you choose to say will be fine! The family will not be upset with you, I promise you! And since we are on the topic of the family, they are on their way home. They should be here around five o' clock in the evening."

She nodded her head in silence, obviously lost in her thoughts once more. "Tell you what, why don't I clean up here and then we will go downstairs and watch a movie- any movie of your choice." I said smiling at her.

"Ok, I'll be waiting downstairs then" she said hopping off the couch.

After that we spent the remainder of the afternoon watching a comedy on the couch but half-way through the movie Renessmee ended up falling asleep and after covering her with a blanket, I turned off the DVD player and just sat there running my hands through my granddaughters curls. Now that she was asleep, I had time to think.

This was going to be a long journey of recovery for her but I had no doubt that she could do it, she was a strong girl! I briefly remember when she was first born and was only two days old, she always smiled and laughed, I remember thinking that I never wanted any one to take that smile away from her! She deserved to smile and be happy and not just pretend smile like I'm assuming she has been doing the last 2 years but I mean a genuine laugh and happiness. I knew Logan would work with her but I also knew that Renessmee has an anxiety about talking to people, especially guys who are the majority of her tormentors at school, the girls she refers to just start the rumors. I saw her hand twitch and it was the hand I had just bandaged, I knew it must be stinging but she has done this for so long she probably is use to it. That shivers down my spine, to think that poor Renessmee is _accustomed _to pain just made my heart constrict with sorrow for her.

My thoughts were interrupted by the faint chattering of Alice's high-pitched voice, the family was near, maybe a little more than half a mile away and it wasn't long till I could smell Esme's floral scent and not long after I heard her walk through the door followed by the rest of the family. I put my finger to my lips telling them to be quiet, I lifted Nessie's head gently so as not to wake her and laid her head back down onto a pillow. I told everyone to follow me to my office and once we were all situated I began.

"Thank you for coming home early from the hunting trip, Renessmee has told me some things about what has been going on with her and I can't say much because Nessie wanted to be in the room when we all spoke but from now on Nessie will need our support more than ever!"

"Carlisle" Edward of course was the first to interrupt, "this is absurd! Alice obviously knows what is going on because in head for the last four hours has been revolved around translating all of Shakespeare's plays into Italian and now your thoughts are in Italian too! Please tell me what is wrong with my little girl!" At the end I could tell he was desperate to know already.

"I know you're frustrated Edward but-" I was once again interrupted but this time not by Edward or anyone in the family but by an ear splitting yell that could only belong to Renessmee! Edward was the first one out of the room, followed by Bella and then the rest of the family. Downstairs Edward and Bella were trying to wake up Renessmee from the nightmare she was having and I told everyone to stay back so that she wouldn't feel overwhelmed when she woke up.

**Edward's Point of View**

I saw my daughter nightmare through her head and she felt so alone, she was in the dark by herself and she kept walking through the house calling for anyone, Jacob, Emmett, Rose, Alice, Bella and I but every room she kept looking in was empty. She felt abandon.

"Honey, please wake up!" I pleaded with her as Bella ran her hand through her locks and finally when I touched her cheek she jumped up, her little heart racing.

"Daddy!" she all but yelled pulling her into my chest I hugged her.

"Shhh….darling, its fine" I told her trying to calm her down but she kept gripping my shirt wanting to hold on tighter and tighter. "Shhhh…calm down honey, everything's fine, it was just a dream!" I looked at Jasper pleading to calm her down and very quickly I felt her calm down. She pulled away and I wiped away the remainder of her tears, "there they are" I spoke looking into her beautiful eyes. She smiled and blushed, looking down at the floor.

"Nessie, do you want to tell us about the dream?" Bella chimed in after taking a seat next to Nessie. She looked at Carlisle and that's when he started to talk.

**Carlisle's Point of View**

"Everyone, why don't you take a seat so we can discuss this" I spoke and everyone took a seat waiting for me to continue, "Nessie came to my office this morning wanting to tell me something and she has confessed to me that for the last two years she has been in very deep emotional distress so much that she actually began self-mutilation" there I said it, it was out!

The entire room was in shocked and Edward was the first to move, he turned his attention to Nessie, "is this…true?" his tone was shocked and she stood up and pulled up her sleeve revealing all of her scars and Edward and Bella gasped along with the rest of the family. She looked down as tears slid down her cheek. "I'm so sorry, Daddy! I'm so sorry! Please don't hate me…please don't…." she began to sob hysterically as Edward just stood there in shock. Esme came over and brought Nessie on to her lap while she rocked her, she just kept looking at Edward and mumbling, "He hates me, he hates me, he hates me…" I grabbed Edward by the arm and pulled him outside to the woods. Once we were far enough to not be seen by the family Edward began punching trees and snapping their bark into two!

"Son, listen to me" I shook him and he snapped out of his rage, "Remember what I told you in my office, Nessie needs our support more than ever now! She needs to know that you don't hate her so I need you to go in there and comfort her, be the one thing you can be for that no one else can be- her father!"

He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a sob, "my little girl, how could she do this to herself, she always got straight A's since kindergarten, she always smiles and laugh. How could my child go through this?"

I felt sympathy towards him, "I know Edward, I know! I thought the same thing but right now that isn't important because right now Esme is trying to comfort Nessie who feels like you will abandon her because of this, all she has feared was that you won't accept her anymore because of this!" Once I finished my sentence, not a second later Edward was racing to the house and I followed behind him. He walked through the door and grabbed Nessie pulling her into a tight hug. She kept mumbling "I'm sorry" but I heard Edward assure her that she had nothing to be sorry about and he apologized for reacting the way that he did.

**Edward's Point of View**

"It's ok darling! Everything is going to be fine!" I told my little girl as she sobbed into my shoulder and I knew from now on, I would be there for her- always! Nessie will get better!

"I love you daddy!" she whispered into my ear

"I love you too darling!" I said kissing her forehead!

**Author's Note: Ok, so here is the 3****rd**** chapter of the story! I hope everyone enjoyed it and don't forget that if you review YOU WILL GET A SPOILER FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER! And so what did you all think about this chapter? I wanted to have a more variety of the family comfort her but then I took a new turn with it. Nessie will get to talk individually to each character later on in the story! What would you like to see happen next in this story? **

**Oh and for those of you twitter fans, you can follow me at silenceandmoods :) **


	4. So much talking

**Chapter Four**

**Renessmee's Point of View**

I was so scared when my dad didn't say anything and even more so when grandpa had to drag him outside. Now that I sit in my room nervous, I feel an undying urge inside the pit of my stomach, one that I know all too often. But I was being ridiculous; I shouldn't have to be nervous. Why was I nervous? My eyes kept wondering my bathroom door where under the counter lays the broken compass that I had purchased months ago for my geometry class but now holds a different use. Every time I looked at the bathroom I had to restrain myself from having to go up and run to the sharp object. When I was about to give into my desires I heard someone at the door and when I welcomed whomever was on the other side of the door, I was surprised to find my father and Carlisle there!

"We need to talk about something…"

"Ok" I said looking down at my bed sheets and twirling my fingers through my stuffed animal. Carlisle came and sat on one side of the bed while my dad made his way to other side.

"Honey, I know you probably do not want to talk about it but we have to talk about some stuff" my dad began, "firstly, does Jacob know and do you plan on telling him?"

I had thought about this a lot today, I wanted to tell Jacob but at the same time I didn't want him to think I was a freak or something.

"Nessie, you know Jacob would never think of you as a freak" my dad said clearly reading into my thoughts.

"So you think I should tell him?" I asked them both.

"I think it would be best if he knew" Carlisle said, "one more person who can support you in your recovery" my father finished as he twirled his finger around one of my curls.

I nodded and by doing that they both knew I didn't want to talk about it anymore so they moved on to the next topic.

"Renessmee, I have a friend of mine who is very experienced in treating what you are going through" Carlisle started but I quickly interrupted.

"I don't want to go see a…" I couldn't bring myself to say the correct word, "a _doctor_"

I heard my dad give a light sigh before he began talking, "Nessie, I know this is going to be hard for you but I'm afraid this decision is out of your hands. We are just telling you so you can prepare. You know I hate not giving you a choice but this is your health we have at stake here and when your health is involve your mother and I have the last word." He said and I could tell he was hoping I wouldn't argue with him.

"Dad, I really don't like talking about these feelings" I said not meeting his eyes but he knew that was the truth. I hated having to talk about my emotions. I preferred to keep them bottled away for no one to see.

"I know but that is very unhealthy, stuff like suppressing your emotions can lead to stuff like…" he paused, "well like self-mutilation".

I knew I wasn't going to win this argument so I surrendered, "so when do I have to go see this doctor?" I asked Carlisle.

"Well his name is Dr. Caldwell but he will probably ask you to call him Logan and he is also a vampire so you can be completely honest with him about _everything_, he won't tell anyone and your first appointment is Monday at 4 o' clock in the afternoon"

"So soon" I whispered.

"The sooner, the better" my dad spoke, "and one more thing I'm really curious about is how did you get this far without any one in the family noticing the fact that you self-harm, we would have smelled the blood."

"That part was simple, most of the time I cut myself in the bathroom so the blood washes away quickly and is diluted in water and when I shower rarely any one is home with me so it's not like you would notice and my cuts are not deep enough that they'll continue bleeding. If I apply pressure the bleeding will stop immediately" I said pausing for a moment, "but when I was first starting out I did it at school during lunch in the bathroom"

He nodded and I knew that he was deep in thought, "I really am sorry" I said still not meeting his eyes. It wasn't long though before I felt his fingers touch my chin willing my eyes to look at his.

"Renessmee, I am not mad at you, no one is mad at you, if I am anything it's thankful that you told me about this because it would have been worse had I found out some other way. Everyone in our family loves you and cares for you so when we learned that you were in such emotional pain we were so worried. We don't want you to feel trapped or like you have no one"

"I know you guys are worried about me but I hate showing my weakness so to…deal with the stuff I was dealing with I guess I…did this instead"

Carlisle and my father exchanged glances; this was probably only confirming their statement about me _needing_ to go see a psychiatrist.

"We just want you to know that anyone in the family is here for you- 24/7, no matter what. Never be scared to tell us anything." My father said as he bent down and kissed my forehead.

I knew that my family would do anything for me but I guess all this started because I didn't want to share any of my feelings with anybody. I had straight A's, a rich family as well as a loving family and I also had Jacob. I had the ideal life, so why wasn't I happy? Thinking about Jacob made me think about having to tell him and what I would do if I ever lost him. Maybe I should tell him.

"Dad, grandpa, I really want to be alone right now if you don't mind" I said and with the finishing of my sentence they were both off the bed and walking toward the door.

"Carlisle and I will be downstairs, let us know if you need anything" grandpa said as he left out the door closing it behind them as they left. When I knew they were downstairs I got my phone and sent a text message to Jacob.

"_Can you please come to my house?"_

It was a simple text and he wouldn't know that anything is wrong but his reply was almost instantaneous:

"_Sure babe, anything for you! I'll be there soon. ;)"_

I smiled as I read the text.

While the minutes passed waiting for Jacob I thought about what I would tell him and practiced it while I paced my bedroom floor.

"Jacob, I self-harm" I said staring at myself in the mirror for a minute and then mumbling, "no, that's too straight forward"

I kept pacing the floor of my bedroom digging through my mind for the right words to tell Jacob when all of a sudden I bumped into something hard and burning hot, "Sorry babe, I thought you heard me come in" he spoke, "what's on your mind?"

"Jacob" I swallowed the lump in my throat, "you'll love me no matter what…right?" I needed to hear the confirmation.

He instantly lost his humorous face and became serious, "Of course Nessie! Always! Why would you even ask that?" he asked as his hot hand caressed my cheek. I looked away from his eyes and down at the floor, "I just needed to know" I said in almost a whisper. I swallowed another lump and with a new found determination I turned around having every intention of telling him but once I saw his eyes I melted and couldn't do it….but I had to anyway, I would force myself to tell him. This would be a test to see if our love could withstand something like this.

"Jacob, it has been a very rough two years in high school and…" I paused, "as time passed I hope it would become less difficult but it was the complete opposite! It only got harder and harder! The guys are calling me a slut and whore; they also say I have several STD's. The girls at school tell me I'm ugly and I should go kill myself!" tears were falling down my cheek but I quickly made them disappear.

"Nessie, why didn't you tell me this before, I could have done something. Your parents could have home schooled you, you could have changed schools. I don't want you struggling by yourself when you have so many people who support you" he came over and wrapped his arms around me but I didn't lift my arms to hug him back.

_Now or never_ I thought in my mind and as he pulled away I bit my lip and said "Jake, they've done a lot of damage, much more than I can fix on my own, they've damaged my self-esteem, my confidence, my hope but most of all they damaged me by making me do something that I swore I would never get addicted to….but eventually did" I pulled up my sleeve and showed him my arm revealing all the little imperfection that were hidden underneath it.

He was speechless for a while but it wasn't long before he began to move towards me and once again bring me into a tight hug, "I will never let anyone say another bad thing about you ever again and if I do see them saying something bad about you, they will deeply regret it!"

Tear fell lightly onto his shirt as I cried, "I'm so sorry Jake, and I've hurt everyone"

"Hey, hey" Jake said pulling away and lifting my chin, "I'd take all the hurt in the world for you if it meant that you wouldn't hurt this much. I love you more than I can explain and that's all that matters to me." He bent down and kissed me on my forehead. I stood there in his arms for a while before he pulled away and looked at me.

"We need to talk though…" he said as he sat down at the edge of my bed, beckoning for me to sit next to him.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked nervously.

"Well for starters, do you parents know and for how long have they known?"

"Umm…they've known for about an hour so not too long. I told Carlisle this morning and he insisted that I tell the family so he called them and told them to come home early from their hunting trip. Then Carlisle and my father told me that I should tell you-" Jacob was quick to cut me off.

"Wait! You weren't planning on telling me at all?" he spoke and I could feel the anger beginning to radiate off of him.

"No, I eventually was but…" I stopped afraid to say the next part fearing he might think it's for the best, "But…I didn't want you to think I was a….a freak" I said in something far softer than a whisper!

The anger quickly dissolved from his eyes understanding that I wasn't lying to him just fearful of what the outcome would be "Renessmee Carlie Cullen, you must not realize how much I truly love you! Nothing you say or do will make me think otherwise"

I smiled down at my hands as I heard that and he lifted my chin brining his lips to mine, "I love you" he whispered into my ear, "and don't you ever doubt anything less than that".

After that we laid down in bed, just enjoying each other's company until the light in the room began slowly disappearing and before I could tell I was in the dark and the moon was shining through the glass. I dozed off right but not right before feeling Jacob kiss my forehead.

**Author's Note: Hello Everyone! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! The next one will be about her first visit to the psychiatrist and how she handles it. How do you think Nessie will react to going to see a psychiatrist? As well I promise you that there will be more Jacob/Nessie scenes as the story develops. So please review and remember that once again those who review will get a preview of the next chapter. **

**Do not forget to follow me on twitter: silenceandmoods :) **


	5. First Therapy Session

**Chapter Five**

**Renessmee's Point of View**

_It was dark outside and I was walking through the woods and then I saw my house, I ran to it as the wind blew my hair into disarray. I felt like I was running from something, I felt scared and nervous. I walked right through the door and realized quickly the house was silent, my house was never silent! Esme might be singing if she was home alone, my father and mother might have been playing piano, Rosalie and Alice would have been talking about their future shopping trip and Emmett and Jasper might have been playing video games but…nothing. Not a sound rang through the area. _

"_Esme" I called out hoping to hear her sweet voice reply but no one answered back to me, "Rose, Emmett, Jacob, Dad, Alice, Jasper, Mom, grandpa- anyone?" I ran through the house panicked at the thought of them missing, the feeling of abandonment hitting me hard. Tears began falling down my face as I opened each door in the house only to be disappointed when I found no one behind it. I went to the steps and fell to my knees at the edge of them crying from being alone, the full wave of abandonment filling my every cell. I'm alone…I'm all alone…that thought kept circulating through my mind._

I woke up with fear finally chasing me back to reality and my heart rate increasing. My grandfather burst through the door not a second after I woke up, I had been having this dream for the last few days and it always scares me awake! I wish it would just stop! It's becoming exhausting. I look at my grandfather who gives me a sad smile.

"Another bad dream?" he asks me

"Yeah, but don't even worry about it" I said trying to act like this dream wasn't one of my worst fears.

"Well, maybe you could talk to Dr. Caldwell about it when we go visit him this afternoon?"

That was one thing I wasn't looking forward to - today was the day I was going to go visit Dr. Caldwell for the first time. To say I was nervous was the understatement of the century but I knew there was no way of getting out of it.

"Yeah, maybe…" I say not really giving my grandfather a specific answer and heading for the bathroom. I took a little too long in the shower, enjoying the soothing effect the water had on my tense muscles. After that I quickly dress in a pair of jeans and a pink tank top slipping on my sneakers. Heading down the staircase I could smell French toast being made. I turn the corner of the kitchen and my grandpa slid the French toast from the pan to my plate. I sat at the bar and began eating in silence.

"Are you nervous about today?" he asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah, I guess…I don't know what to expect"

"Well do you have any questions that maybe I can answer to help settle your nerves?"

"Well…" I thought about his question for a minute not really having any and realizing it's just the fear of talking to someone about this thing, "Not really…it's just intimidating to talk to someone about this thing…I've never spoken to anyone about it until recently"

"Well, you aren't alone and this is going to be a long road for recovery but I think you do it" he says smiling and squeezing my hand.

_I just hope you're right _I think in my head.

"What time is the appointment at?"

"At 1PM so we have to leave here at noon"

I look at the clock, it is already 10:40 I sigh and hop off the stool to go to my bedroom. When I am in the confines of my room I go to my phone which stayed charging on my night stand. I have one missed text message from Jacob.

**Hey Beautiful! Good luck at your appointment today! Let him help you because I love you so much and if anything happened to you I couldn't live with myself. Love you! Stay strong beautiful! :)**

I smiled at the text message and put down the phone, Jacob is so amazing and I love him so much. I'm glad he didn't leave me when I told him about my issue, I couldn't stand to think what I would do to myself had he not accepted it. I wonder what it will be like talking to Dr. Caldwell…my grandfather says he is very nice but it still scares me. What will it be like? What would he ask me? Will I be coerced to answer his questions? Why is it that now I have all these questions but when Carlisle asked me downstairs I didn't have any? This is frustrating and so to take my mind off of it I decided to go read my book.

"Nessie, it's almost time to go" I hear my grandfather call up the steps. I put down my book and climb from my bed and taking my black jacket in case it is cold inside the doctor's office. I slip my phone into my back pocket and do a once over in the mirror before heading downstairs.

"Ready?" Carlisle asks from the bottom of the steps holding his car keys.

"I guess…ready as I'll ever be"

He gave me a sad smile and said "don't worry Nessie. Everything will be fine. How about after the appointment we can go anywhere you want for lunch."

"Ok" and we walk to the garage and get into the car. The drive is silent and my nerves are reaching their peak as we get closer and closer. What do I tell him? What if he thinks I am crazy? What if he thinks I need in-patient treatment? Oh no! What if he asks to see them, the scars! I can't show him the scars, he'd see how weak I was, how vulnerable. It would be awful! In a fit of panic I put on the black jacket over my tank top.

"Are you cold?" my grandfather asks from the driver seat next to me.

"No…I mean….a little but not much…" I gulp; I didn't want to tell him why I wore the jacket.

"We're almost there…is there anything else you want to talk about? You seem very tense."

"No, I'm fine" I try to say nonchalantly.

But all too quick we were pulling up to the building. Carlisle turned off the car and started to reach for the door handle but instead of shadowing his movement I stayed in the car, it was time…it was finally time for me to talk about this _thing_. I gulped realizing I didn't want to do this; I didn't want to be here.

"Grandpa" I whispered twiddling my finger nervously

"Yes?"

"I can't do this" I shake my head, my voice cracking, "Please don't make me go in there, I don't want to talk about it, please" I begged.

Gentle hands came underneath my chin and I was looking into a pair of compassionate eyes, "Renessmee, I know you can do this. You know I like giving you choices but this time you don't have one, not when it comes to your safety. I'm sorry…now I'm going to go outside and you can stay here and collect yourself and come out of the car whenever you are ready." He opened the door and stepped out of the car closing the door behind him. I didn't want to tell him but I had an awful urge to cut right about now. The stress was becoming too much for me, I couldn't do this! I needed to release it! I started anxiously looking around the car for something sharp but couldn't find anything!

"Damn it!" I cried angrily

I settled for calling Jacob, I took out my cell phone and press the number 5 which was his speed dial. He picked up on the first ring.

"Babe?" his voice is full of worry and concern.

My voice cracked and I swallowed down a sob that was prepared to come up, "Jacob, I can't do this…I'm sorry. I can't do this!"

"Nessie, you can do this! I know you can! Please, go in there and be strong for me. Please Nessie…you are such a strong, beautiful girl, please go talk to this doctor and let him help you"

No, I'm not strong…or beautiful! I'm not any of those things! I'm a failure! I've failed…if I was strong I wouldn't need to cut myself and I'm not beautiful at all. I couldn't tell him those things though; he would get angry at me for thinking that of myself.

"Yeah, you're right…" I paused, "I'll call you later"

"I love you Renessmee Carlie Cullen"

"Love you too" and I hung up the phone.

I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror, my cheeks were red but my eyes weren't watery. Now or never. I got out of the car and Carlisle smiled when he saw me. He held the entrance door open for me and we were in a beautiful lobby where the floor was a shiny marble and stair cases rose to the second floor. At the entrance there was a bulletin board with a list of room numbers on them.

"Dr. Caldwell is in room 444" he told me and we made a sharp turn down another beautiful hall until we stopped in front of a door with the name "Dr. Logan Caldwell : Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist". We walked in and the room was yet another big room with marble floors and a couch with a small stack of magazines on top of a coffee table and in the far corner was a small play area for younger kids. There was a frosted glass window and Carlisle went up to the window and tapped once gently.

A blonde nurse with pink scrubs smiled, "hello Dr. Cullen, Dr. Caldwell has been expecting you. I was just about to call you- it is not like you to be late"

I blushed realizing I was the reason he was late due to the mental break I had in the car.

"Yes, well there is a first time for everything" he smiled and then I heard the door open again from behind me. I see a tall, lean, beautiful middle aged man. He was pale and had grey eyes with dark hair settled neatly on top of his head. He had on a white dress shirt with a tie and khaki pants. He gave me a dazzling smile.

"Hello, you must be Renessmee Cullen. It's a pleasure to meet you" he held out his hand and I hesitantly extended mine to meet his palm.

"Nice to meet you " I mentally kicked myself for my stuttering voice, it was barely a whisper and I could tell by his skin cold hands that he was a vampire as well. He gave me a firm and confident squeeze, while mine was sweaty and weak.

"Oh please! Call me Logan dear" he smiled.

"Logan" my grandfather greeted

"Carlisle, pleasure to see you again" he paused and then turned his attention to me, "so why don't you follow me back to my office and we will get started"

I nodded and he opened the door leading to the back of the office and we walked down a long hallway and stopped at a door where we entered. Inside the room had light walls and several couches that were of a black leather material. In the far corner was a brown seat where I'm assuming Dr. Caldwell sits. The room was very welcoming and had a warm feeling to it. I sat on one of the couches that had a table next to it and realized that there was a box of tissues on top of the table. I sat down and Logan took out a yellow notepad and pen from his desk and sat down at a seat across from me.

"So Renessmee, tell me a little bit about yourself" he said kindly

"I don't know what to tell you…what do you want to know?" I asked not meeting his eyes completely.

"Well, what is your favorite subject in school?"

"I like my calculus class a lot" I said in a whisper, almost like it wasn't a right answer.

"Really? Wow! That is amazing! Do you like math?"

"Yes, I like math because of the puzzles"

"That's very good! Would you like to work with numbers in the future, as a job?"

"Possibly, I think I want to be a teacher"

"That's a great career choice. Do you have good grades?"

"I have straight A's" I answer

"Wow! That is great but I can imagine it is stressful…do you ever feel under pressure?"

"I feel…overwhelmed sometimes. It becomes too much…sometimes I don't want to get out of bed and face the day. Life is so hard and I know that is awful to say because I'm only 16 and I'm only a kid and I don't have a lot to deal with but…it all hangs over my shoulder sometimes. When I get a 'B'- God forbid any lower- I feel like a failure."

"A 'B' is still a good mark, I think you are being too hard on yourself" Logan says with a frown, "why do you feel like a failure?"

"Because, I have to be perfect!" I bellow out loudly.

"But no one is perfect Renessmee"

"Oh yeah?" I shake my head and look at the floor, "my family is perfect! Rosalie is beautiful- a goddess, Emmett is strong and funny, Alice has an eye for fashion and isn't shy, Jasper is just nice, Esme is as well beautiful, my dad is talented at piano and my mom is beautiful. My grandfather is a doctor and is perfect! Everyone in my family is perfect except me! I have these awful red curls and I'm not even beautiful! I have no talents and…I just want to give up sometimes" I realized by the end of my little speech I was on the verge of tears.

"Renessmee, yes your family may be all those things but they aren't perfect either even though it seems like that. I promise you, I've treated your family members for centuries. They all went through some hard times." He paused and wrote something down on his notepad, "You said you feel like giving up sometimes. What does that mean?"

"Sometimes I lose my will to go on in life…." I whisper once more swallowing a sob that was ready to come up.

"Have you ever contemplated suicide?" he asks me seriously.

Most people would be appalled by this question and would answer no, declining it but I couldn't answer that way because there was a point that I did consider suicide. My mental wall fell and tears started streaming down my cheek, my hands were shaking.

"I did…I was going to shoot myself" I said in a whisper, "I never planned it out but when I thought about it, I always pictured doing it that way."

"Does your family know about this?" I shake my head no, wiping my tears.

"What made you re-consider?"

"My family…Jacob, my boyfriend, that's when…" I paused, choking on a sob.

"That is when you started to self-harm?" Logan finishes for me. I nodded yes to him not trusting my voice any more.

"May I see your scars?"

"No!" I cried out looking at him, my cheeks felt heated and tears were streaming down my face, I was a mess, "please…I can't show you how weak I am!" I beg sobbing.

"You aren't weak for self-harming. From what I can tell so far, you started to self-harm not because of pressure from your family but from pressure you created in your mind to be nothing short of perfect and the rumors at school your grandfather told me about probably doesn't help either. You are not alone in this; you have my support, your entire families support as well as your boyfriends. Do you understand that?"

I nodded at him, wiping my eyes from the tears. He wrote down more things on his notepad and then stood up, "I think that is enough for today. I'm going to call your grandfather back here and we'll discuss some things, ok?"

I nodded my approval and with that he walked to his desk and picked up the phone, "Kelly, could you please send back Dr. Cullen? Thank you!" and I noticed him writing down something on a sheet of paper and then taking out a prescription pad as well. I was distracted by a knock on the door and Carlisle popped his head in.

"Hello Carlisle, take a seat. She did very well today." He turned to me and said "I'm prescribing you some anti-depressants, they aren't mandatory but it may help with some of the symptoms you have so I suggest taking them once a day. As well, do you have anxiety about meeting new people- you seemed on the verge of hyperventilation when we first met?"

"Yeah, I do get really nervous about meeting people…"

"These will also help with the physical symptoms and this" he hands me a paper with an address, "is a group therapy I run. We talk about self-harming and things of that nature. We meet every Friday at 5PM. You're welcome to come if you'd like and this is my card with my cell phone number- call me if you ever need to talk and if I don't answer leave a message and I will call you back as soon as possible." I nodded taking the things from him.

"When would you like to see her again?" Carlisle asked. He was so quiet that I forgot he was there.

"I would like to see her twice a week so Monday's and Wednesday's?"

Carlisle nodded, "I'll be sure to make the next appointment at the front"

"You could go do that now, I'll walk Renessmee to the front. I have one last thing I have to discuss with her." Logan said and with that Carlisle stood and walked out of the office. Logan turned to me and said, "Renessmee, I would like you to at least do this activity with your parents but if you'd like you can do it with the rest of your family. I want you to ask them if they are perfect and if they answer no, then ask them what doesn't make them perfect, ok?"

"Do I have to?" I asked not being able to imagine myself doing that.

"No, but it may help you see things clearly about everyone not being perfect"

"I'll try" I said not wanting to say I won't do it at all.

"That's all I ask" he smiled, "now, why don't we head to the front?" he holds open the door for me and we walk to where Carlisle is waiting.

"Goodbye Renessmee, see you on Monday" I hear Logan say behind me.

"Ready for lunch" Carlisle smiles.

"I'm starving! Let's have pasta!"

"You got it, kiddo!" he smiled and we walked to the car in silence.

"Would you like to talk about your session?" Carlisle asks in the car.

"Not right now, grandpa if that is ok?"

"Of course" he smiles and begins driving.

**Author's Note: I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! I have been away visiting my family in New Jersey this past month and just arrived home a few days ago. I have been working on this story non-stop to get it out this week. I hope you like it and like always THOSE WHO REVIEW WILL GET A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT CHAPTER. Meanwhile, what did you all think of Renessmee's first session with Dr. Caldwell? I hope to be putting up a photo album for this story on my profile and I will be sure to let you know when those pictures are up. Just a fair warning that updating may be slow this month because it is kind of hectic. Family members are coming to visit, I have summer reading to start and my birthday is July 19****th**** so I promise after that weekend I will start updating more often. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER ( Silenceandmoods) to stay updated! Till then hope everyone is enjoying their summer! :)**


	6. Who was I kidding?

**Chapter Six**

I laid in my bed staring out at the window into the darkness, I didn't move from my spot on the bed since I got home from my therapy session. I had told everyone else to leave me alone and they listened. They didn't knock on my door trying to talk to me which was exactly what I wanted. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I didn't think therapy would be like that, that intense and scary. I preferred not to deal with these emotions at all. It was better that they stayed untouched.

"_Renessmee" I heard one of the guys yell down the hall, oh no! I knew that voice Mathew was one of the annoying kids in my math class; I don't even know how someone of his intelligence got into calculus! I walked faster and faster as I heard his footsteps get closer and closer. I turned the corner and ran directly into a wall, "damn it!" I cursed and turned around to see a group of 6 foot something guys standing there. _

"_Hey guys" Mathew spoke, "want to know how to spell ugly? R-E-N-E-S-S-M-E-E"_

_I looked down to the ground, blushing as all the guys laughed and I pushed past them as I felt the tears well in my eyes_

I gasped as I came out of my flashback, a feeling of shame welling inside of me but before I had time to recover another flashback came and hit.

_I opened the door to my locker; it was one of my least favorite days- Valentine's Day. I didn't hate it because I was single but I hated it because Mathew and his friends always pulled a prank on me and as I walked to first period I walked past a bulletin board that several people were gathered at. I pushed my way to the front to see what the big deal was about and quickly found out. There was an edited picture of me that was put onto the body of sumo wrestler and to the side it read '$1 to sleep with this ugly cow so if you are desperate and want a quick lay call…' followed by a random phone number. I heard the laughter shortly after and I ran off campus after that._

The memory stabbed me in the gut again, and tears began falling. I was fat and ugly, who was I kidding. I'm born into a family of gorgeous people but I stick out because I'm the ugly one, the one no one is attracted to. As the hour passed and I kept thinking about this in my head, the feeling I know all too well built inside of me and I began to let the sobs run through my body for another two hours before it became too much and I ran to the bathroom, opening the cabinet and pulling out my make-up kit opening it up to the last drawer where what looked like a compact really help a blade and as I opened the box I felt a set of cold hands wrap around me.

"No" I screamed, "please, let me cut myself! Please!" I begged, "Please let me kill myself! Please! I hate myself! Just let me kill myself!" I heard a voice trying to calm me down but I didn't register whose voice it was because all I could think about was cutting myself and getting to that razor. I cried, pushed, shoved and screamed against the arms that held me until I finally gave up letting the cries consume me once again. I sagged towards the floor in exhaustion, the only think holding me up are the arms. I felt myself being lifted from the ground as someone held me to their chest and as I cried into their shirt I could tell it was my dad because of the smell, he just smelled like a dad. With one hand he pulled back my covers and put me on top of the sheets quickly getting in next to me and he threw the blanket over us and I just cried while my dad shushed and whispered words of love to me until finally the sleep took over my body and I gave in gladly.

The sun was beaming into my room the next morning and I pulled the covers against it to shield it from my sight until it settled in that today was Thursday. I had school; I sat up in bed looking at my alarm clock, 8:45! Damn it! I missed the first hour and a half of class! I pulled on anything my hand landed on while pulling my hair into a bun and making my way down the steps. Walking past the living room and to the kitchen but then I realized something. I walked back into the living room to see my dad and Carlisle there.

"Why didn't any one wake me up for school?" I said.

Carlisle looked away from his newspaper and said "did you forget that you don't go to school when it's sunny out so it doesn't look suspicious that you're the only Cullen there?"

I sighed and leaned against the wall, pinching the bridge of my nose, "I forgot….I'm sorry"

Carlisle raised his brow, "what are you sorry for?"

"I don't know" I answered honestly, "consider it pre-paid- I'll probably mess up somehow, I always do" I went up the steps and began going up when Carlisle was in front of me in an instant. "Renessmee, why are you so unfocused?"

"It's no big deal, just an off day" I tried being nonchalant

"Aren't you going to have breakfast?" Carlisle questioned further

"No" I said starting to panic internally, "I'm not hungry, I'll eat lunch later. I promise" and with that he let me go upstairs. I think Carlisle was starting to notice my lack of energy which was bad! I had to pull myself together and start acting normal again!

As I closed the door to my room I went and sat down at my desk. I had an AP history test to study for tomorrow. I began reading through the textbook and taking notes but my focus was nowhere to be found. I couldn't comprehend what the words meant. After 30 minutes of failing to comprehend the words I went to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water. I dried my face and all of a sudden an awful wave of nausea hit me and not a second after that was it when I felt the overwhelming power of dizziness. I put my hands forward to catch me running into stuff and hitting my head on the mirror. It was black after that and it was peaceful, I didn't want to leave this place but then I heard my name being called from a distance. I turned my head and that hurt, why?

"Renessmee, can you hear me?" I heard a voice call. I wanted to answer it but I couldn't find the strength to. It was easier to just stay in the darkness.

Carlisle's Point of view

It seemed to me like Renessmee was lacking in sleep, normally patients who come in with lack of sleep and dehydration are there because they fainted and I wanted to avoid that same fate for Nessie. I knew she was putting up a facade so that she didn't have to show me how tired she was but I knew she was tired. She needed to sleep more but she was always up till the wee hours of the morning studying, she also panicked when he grades got anywhere near a C and even if she had a B, she panicked when it was a B. I decided to go talk to her when I heard a boom from upstairs, it sounded Renessmee dropped something and then I heard a heavy thump. I ran upstairs breaking the lock to the door and finding Nessie on the bathroom floor. I ran to her, my diagnostic skills picking up.

"Renessmee?" I question while taking her pulse, "Renessmee? Can you hear me sweetheart?" she moved her head but didn't come around. I picked her up and brought her to my office, getting an IV out and some other supplies I might need.

"Nessie? Can you hear me?" her eyes opened slightly and she mumbled a few words but I couldn't understand her. I quickly found a vein and inserted the needle, hanging the fluid bag on a post. I looked at her face and noticed a small drop of something, it wouldn't have been detectable to the human eye but with my vampire sight I was to point it out. I ran my finger along the under lid of her eyes and found that my finger was stained with a substance of some sort. I rubbed it between my fingers and took a whiff of it, concealer. I quickly went to the bathroom and returned with a wash cloth taking off the gunk from under Nessie's eyes. Once I was done I was able to clearly see the dark circles under her eyes, I knew she wasn't getting any sleep and she was hiding it with concealer. I needed to have a serious talk with her when she woke up, what she was doing was very unhealthy!

**Author's note: So I know this chapter has been delayed a LONG time but I have not abandoned it! As many of you have asked, I was planning on updating this week and the reason I have taken so long to update is because I am swamped at school with AP classes that I'm taking and projects so I haven't had as much time as I'd like to dedicate to writing. ** **Another thing I wanted to address is that I only had 1, maybe 2 reviews for the last chapter :( and speaking of reviews I know the last preview I sent you small few are not in this chapter and that's because I decided to change the direction of this chapter. So as always leave me a review and I will send you a preview of the next chapter and this time I promise it'll be in the chapter ;) and REVIEW QUESTION: What do you think about Nessie and her problems? How do you think Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper would say if Nessie and they had a one-on-one conversation? How about Edward and Bella? And finally, what would YOU like to see in the next chapter?**

**P.S. answers to these questions will depend on what I write in upcoming chapters so please review and answer them :) **


	7. I want to Die

**Chapter 7**

Renessmee's Point of View

I was aware of voices before I was able to see them. They were in hushed and whispered tones that were trying not to disrupt the calmness in the room.

"_When will she wake up?" _worry laced this voice and it seemed familiar but I couldn't tell who it was.

"_Give it time…" _I think I zoned out after that and I couldn't understand the rest of the sentence.

"_Why would she do this to herself? She's so confident….how did I not see it…."_ Parts of that sentence were blurry but it was then that I realized the voices were talking about me.

"_It was a shock to all of us…"_ I wasn't sure whose voice that was because a heavy fog brought me back down to unconsciousness.

Edward's Point of View

It seemed like years since my daughter passed out and I was a nervous wreck. Carlisle had her sedated, something about letting her get more sleep and letting her mind rest which was true. She had only really been asleep for about 15 hours and Carlisle stopped giving her the sedative as of 5AM this morning and it was now noon and she still hasn't come around, she must be really tired.

"How did I not notice my daughter being in so much pain?" I said, my voice cracking from pain.

"She's just like her father…" Esme said from behind me.

I gave a sad smile followed by a chuckle, "a little too much" I paused, "why would she do this to herself?"

Esme sighed, sadness in her voice, "I don't know honey. Maybe she just couldn't handle the pressure?"

"I'm always so proud of her and she's such a smart, talented and motivated girl. Where did I go wrong?" I put my head in my hands.

"Oh Edward! It's not you! Trust me! Renessmee is hurting on a much deeper and more intimate level that she doesn't want to share as easily."

"But _why?_ That's what I don't understand. I'm her father; she should _want _to share things with me"

"Edward, listen to me- you did _nothing_ wrong my dear boy. Nothing at all, Nessie has to deal with this and we have to support her."

I was going to reply but then I felt a hand squeeze mine. I looked up quickly and saw Nessie's beautiful eyes looking at me. I was going to cry from joy! "Oh! Honey, you're awake!" I couldn't contain my excitement as I hugged my little girl. When I pulled away, I looked at her.

"We're going to help you get healthy again, baby. I promise."

"Dad, don't blame yourself, please" she said and her words tore at my heart.

"Ok, I won't but in return you have to promise me you'll get enough sleep"

"Ok, I promise" she said.

**A few weeks later…**

Renessmee's Point of View

I sat looking at the computer screen which held my current GPA's in each class…I had a C. I had failed a test in my AP Analytical Science class. That was unacceptable; a "C" was too low for me to accept. I frowned looking away from the computer screen.

"I'm such a mess" I thought in my head, "It would be so much easier to just give up" and I immediately stopped the train of thought before I was able to continue but then it became all I could think about. Everything seemed like a way for me to kill myself; the window, the door, the lamp on the ceiling, the bath tub, my pillow, the ant poison under the bathroom counter, everything and anything. I started breathing heavy. Why wouldn't these thoughts stop! It's not fair! STOP!

I looked towards my phone not wanting to repeat anything that happened in the last few weeks and I knew Logan was schedule to see me tomorrow but I couldn't wait till tomorrow, if I kept it up, I wouldn't be here in the morning with all these negative thoughts. I dialed the number, my heart racing.

What if he's busy…? What if he doesn't want to talk to me? What if he's sleeping? What if I bother him? What if-

"Hello Renessmee" my train of thought was cut off by Logan's calm voice.

I took a deep breath, "I…want to….die…." I said scared to speak the words out loud.

"What made these thoughts come up Nessie?" Logan questioned calmly.

"I got a…" I paused not wanting to say it aloud like I would get in trouble, "I got a C".

"A C isn't bad Nessie, it's only one C" Logan tried to calm me down but it wasn't just one C. One C meant that many other C's could follow! I began breathing heavy at the thought.

"Renessmee, I need you to relax. I hear your heavy breathing"

"How can I relax when I'm not perfect" I said, the tears began welling in my eyes and I began making my way to the bathroom cabinet but Logan's voice spoke over my thoughts.

"Renessmee, where are you?" he asked me immediately.

"I'm-I'm…" I stuttered not knowing what to say. Do I lie? Do I tell the truth?

"Renessmee, tell me the truth, are you going to cut?"

"Yes! Yes I am! I want to cut myself Logan! I can't do this anymore! I can't!"

"Renessmee, I have total faith in you that you can do this. I know in my heart you can do this and so does your family. Now you can cut if you really want to but think of the progress you've made." I sat on the bathroom floor, my legs pulled to my chest while crying.

"Logan, I just want to die" I said in a broken tone.

"Why Nessie? Was it because of the grade?"

"No, not just because of the grade it's because of the fear, the loneliness…I can't do this anymore!"

"Nessie, this is a very touchy topic and I think we should save this for tomorrow. I'll move your appointment up to the morning. But before we hang up I want to tell you that I have faith in you! I know you can be genuinely happy. Things will change." I nodded even though he couldn't see me, "and one more thing, right now, please go find you parents and stay with them the entire night. You know I always want to trust you but your emotions are clouding your logic right now, please do this for me."

"Ok, I'll go find them" I said hanging up the phone.

**Author's Note: Well, I've been so out of whack lately and so stress that I sat down and decided to finish writing this chapter! I hope you guys like it, I haven't been getting many review any more which is making me very sad :( on this chapter I have only had 2 reviewers! I would really like more please! And I decided to make something new with this chapter and I'm going to test it out and see how it goes. If it goes well I'll do it again but I hit a writer's block while writing the next chapter and so if you would like to please send me an exert as to something you would like to see in the next chapter. It could be Nessie's therapy session or conversation with one of the characters. Anything and if I like it I will put your exert inside the next chapter (and will appropriately credit you of course)! :) **


	8. Do I know how to have fun?

**Chapter Eight**

I sat in Logan's office the next morning, playing with my fingers. I really didn't want to talk about last night. I was embarrassed to talk about it; I was ashamed of what had happened and how I lost my cool. I shouldn't have called him. He must think I belong in a mental institute or something. God, what a screw up that was. My thoughts were interrupted quickly though when Logan walked in once again smiling and dressed in his professional attire.

"Good morning Renessmee" he said coming over and shaking my hand.

"Good morning" I spoke in a whisper not looking at his eyes for too long.

He walked to his seat adjacent to me and sat down, "so, let us get right to it. How are you feeling today?"

"Better I guess…" I said honestly.

"You guess?" he questioned, "are you saying that because you think it's what I want to hear?"

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now…I'm…confused to say."

"What about exactly" he inquired.

"Well, my first session with you I said I didn't want to commit suicide because of my family but it just seems like everything is working against me in that topic. If I think about it long enough…I might just be able to be pushed over the edge and that scares me because I know suicide is bad but I feel like I want it. I know it doesn't make sense but…that's how I feel."

"It makes perfect sense Renessmee. Your conscience knows that suicide is wrong for obvious reasons but your unconscious emotions are telling you differently, that is what's giving you the confusing feelings. Do you think that if you hadn't called me last night that you would have killed yourself last night?"

I thought about his question for a moment, would I have? I was really upset…I probably would have cut myself but the anger I felt made me so upset. I would have made deep cuts. If I cut deep enough I could have killed myself. "I was really upset last night; I think I would have cut myself first. When I get really upset though, I cut deeper to get rid of that awful feeling of being a failure. I know that if I ever cut deep enough or actually every time I cut I run a risk of hitting a vein so had I hit a vein last night when I cut I could have killed myself."

"That's a very good point well made."

"You think I'm suicidal, don't you?" I said looking at my fingers. God, he must have thought I was crazy.

"Suicide is a very serious thing…the fact that you were contemplating it last night was something that as a professional psychiatrist, I can't take lightly." He paused and I knew what was coming, "I'll have to tell your parents about this, you know? The patient-confidentiality is valid in most cases except when I feel someone's life is at risk, suicide falls under that category"

I looked down at my hands and let a small tear fall, my parents are going to think I'm so messed up! I can't deal with that thought and I push it out of my mind before I lost my composure.

"Do you want to tell me why that makes you sad Renessmee?"

I shake my head no. I didn't want to talk any more. I was done with this topic, with this session. "I think I'm done for this session." I said in a monotone voice.

He sighed, "very well, I'm aware your parents are both here for this session? I'll call them in and tell them what I feel they need to know. I won't tell them more then I need to." I nodded and went out to the waiting room. My father and mother both turned and smiled at me, "Logan wants to talk to you in his office" I said. They both stood from their chair while I took the chair my mother had previously been sitting in.

"Aren't you coming?"

I shook my head no, but instead of explaining Logan came and led them to the back.

**Logan's Point of View**

"Edward, Bella" I greeted Nessie parents, "please have a seat. I have some things I want to discuss with you."

"It has come to my attention, that Nessie may be suicidal" I heard Bella gasp and Edward squeezed her hand in a reassuring gesture. "In our first meeting she spoke about how she would have committed suicide but never followed through with it because of her family. Yesterday she called me and told me she wanted to kill herself. I'm not sure how severe these thoughts are but I rather not risk it."

"Thank you for informing us Logan. But what do we do about these thoughts? Do we keep an eye on her?"

"I suggest that you keep all ropes, poisons, car keys, medication and firearms under lock and key. Don't do it in front of her though, it might upset her. Let Nessie talk to you not vice versa. She will talk when she is ready and besides that let her keep coming to her usual therapy appointments"

They both nodded, "thank you Logan" Bella said and I smiled at her kindness, "not a problem, Bella".

Shortly after they left, I sat down at my laptop to type up a report of the session, I always do this to monitor patient progress:

_The patient was less open at this session and refused to push deeper then asked on the topic of suicide. The patient struggles still with talking comfortably and freely, also the patient feels as if she will be (or has been) shunned from society do to her emotional distress. Much work is still needed and nowhere in the near future do I see participation in group therapy yet. _

I sighed and closed the file.

**Renessmee's Point of view**

I sat on my bed studying, getting distracted by the snow on my window. I contemplated what it would be like to play in the snow which Emmett and Jasper and quickly banished the thought, I had to study. I had to catch up, my history teacher this year was awful and his teacher skills were terrible, he had a reputation in the school for failing students by just one point and I didn't want to be part of that group.

"Hey small fry" Emmett and Jasper said coming into my room

"What to come have a snow ball fight with Emmett and me?" Jasper asked me kindly.

"Sorry guys, I can't. I'm studying." I said tersely.

"Nessie, it's winter break! Come on, take a break for once!"

"Emmett, no, I don't want to! Don't you understand! I have to pass! I have to be perfect! Why can't anybody just get that?" I said bursting out again. Emmett took hold of my wrists.

"Let me go!" I said struggling against him, "stop it! Emmett! Stop! Damn it!" I kept pushing and fighting until I gave up and ended up sagging over Emmett's lap and sobbing. "I want to be normal…" I said in between tears.

"Nessie, there is no such thing as 'normal'." Jasper spoke softly to me.

"Yeah, and from what I can tell you aren't normal, you're more like spectacular, kiddo" Emmett said with a goofy grin.

"Why can't I have fun?" I said still letting tears fall.

"Because you don't let yourself….if you want to play in the snow then heck- go for it! It's winter break Nessie! Relax and have some fun…" Emmett replied and then Jasper chimed in, "So you want to play in the snow?"

"No…I just want to stay here for right now if you don't mind…I think I might call Jake over."

They both nodded and kissed my forehead after walking out of my bedroom. I grabbed my cell phone and text Jake, asking him to come over. His reply was instant:

_Sure Beautiful! ;) I'll be there soon! Can't wait to see you again! I love you!_

His reply made me smile a little! It gave me hope that maybe…just maybe someone thought I wasn't hideous. I could deal with being terrible but not hideous. I got lost in my work and reading once again when I heard the door open to my room. "Hey babe" he said coming over and kissing my cheek. I blushed looking down. He hung out on my bed and watched TV while I continued my work. I noticed him staring at me after a while.

"What are you staring at?" I ask nervously, trying to figure out which flaw he noticed this time.

"I'm just trying to think how lucky I was to get someone like you…Renessmee, you are so beautiful, so smart, so perfect already. In my eyes, you are already perfect and I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world. I love you cheeks" he bent and kissed my cheeks, "I love your eyes" he kissed my eyelids, "I love that little nose of yours" he kissed my nose, "I love how strong you are" he took my wrist and kissed my scars gently, "most of all, I love _you_ as the person I held in my arms that first day you were born" he kissed my lips.

"Thanks" I said blushing and looking down.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

I stayed silent and he knew that he had the answer already. I didn't see what he saw in me. How could he love someone like me? How could he love someone who is not perfect, has worthless grades! A person who has mostly B's on their report card! How could someone love a failure like me.

"Stop doing that!" Jake butted into my thoughts.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Stop belittling yourself Nessie! I see it in your eyes as you think! I don't know what flaws you see in yourself but I can guarantee you they aren't true! I pray that someday you will be able to see your beauty the way I see it!"

"One day…I'm working on it Jake. Give me some time…" I said softly. He was so perfect and sweet. He knew what to say! He came up and kissed my temple as he wrapped his arms around me and I just lay in bed with him, taking in his warmth.

_**Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the delay! Trust me, I want to update but my life is pretty crazy now! I have lots of AP classes and I'm all out of whack. You guys are going to have to work with me here. I'll try and update as much as possible but the updates might be longer than usual. I'm really sorry but I promise to keep this story going. It hurts me that I can't write as much but I will try and do my best to keep this story going around! **_

_**I hope all of you had a merry Christmas (or whatever holiday it is you celebrate) and I hope that you all have an awesome new year! :) As always, your reviews are encouraged, as a matter of fact, they motivate me to write more for the story! :) **_


	9. The End of the bad

**C****hapter Nine**

**Carlisle's Point of View**

I was sitting at my desk looking over patient files, paperwork honestly bored me to death but it had to be done one way or another. I was interrupted from my work when Bella walked in. I smiled seeing my newest daughter-in-law at the door.

"Hello Bella, what can I do for you today?"

She smiled shyly, "I hope I wasn't interrupting anything important" noticing the paperwork on the desk.

"No, not at all, please have a seat" I said motioning to the chair in front of me. She followed my instructions taking a seat and I knew she was thinking about something so I waited for her to begin.

"Carlisle…today Logan brought us into his office after Renessmee's session and he told us something that made me nervous" I waited for her to continue, "he told us that Renessmee was having suicidal thoughts" I heard her struggle to say the sentence but that was after the shock wore off. I don't think Renessmee's problem is just about the bullies but I think she has a bully inside her head. One that is just as worse as the ones at school.

"I understand your distress Bella but we will get through this, I promise." I grabbed her hand in support, "I don't want to lose her Carlisle!" Bella lost it and began to sob openly and I went around the desk and put my arms around her. "Why did I become such a bad mother?"

"Isabella Cullen!" a voice that was not mine spoke from the door, we both turned to the door to see Edward standing there and Bella immediately took deep breaths to clear her voice and I saw how she put a mask on to hide any signs that she was upset.

"Edward! I…I just was overwhelmed with emotions but I'm fine now" she said turning to him.

"Bella, Love, please don't lie! I heard you outside say you were a bad mother, I heard you breaking down in front of Carlisle. Please…talk to me…"

I didn't want to interrupt anything between these two, "I'll go check on Nessie" I said leaving while closing the door behind me.

**Bella's Point of View**

"Bella, come, sit" Edward was pulling me over to a couch in Carlisle's office. He pulled me down on his lap and wrapped his hand around my waist willing me to lay my head on his shoulder.

"Talk to me, Beautiful. What's the matter?"

I didn't say anything, not wanting my armor to fall. "There's nothing to say Edward. I told you, I'm fine. It was just an over reactive comment."

He pulled my chin up to look at him, he smiled as his hand brushed my cheek, "Love, talk to me…it hurts me to know you are hiding your feelings from me" he said, pain lacing his voice.

I looked down at my hands and said, "I just…feel like an awful mother…how could I not have noticed my daughter hurting so much! When did I become so bad at this? I'm such a bad mom and wife" my voice cracked at the end.

"Isabella Marie Cullen" Edward said gently taking my chin in his hand, "our daughter is a miracle! She is perfect and you and I may see it that way but she doesn't. We will get through this- I promise! And you are the perfect mother and wife to me! I wouldn't have it any other way!"

I smiled at him and he spoke, "there it is- that beautiful spark in your beautiful amber eyes!"

**Nessie's Point of View**

I didn't want to move from my bed. It's literally what I've been doing all day since Thursday. I haven't come out from my room to eat or even talk to anyone. I hated myself; the burning sensation in my wrist was evidence of that. It was all because of _that _paper- my report card! My history teacher gave me a D! I wanted to cry when it was passed out to me and when I went to talk to him about it he said that he was very disappointed in me for getting a C on his midterm and that I had earned my grade because I didn't study enough! He was right of course, it wasn't that he had a reputation for making girls lives a living hell even though that's what everyone told me it was. He was a sexiest asshole who lived to make every one of his female students a living hell! I left to the bathroom after talking to him and shut the stall door pulling out my compass and getting to work. I covered my mouth to muffle the sobs and cut until I felt better. My parents wouldn't want me anymore after they saw this report card! I would be a failure! I would be the disappointment child! The thought made me sob again! I shoved my head into my pillow! _I just want to die!_ Then I remembered that today was Sunday! I had to go to school tomorrow and I really didn't want to! It would just be a reminder! There was a knock on my door, I didn't answer for anyone to come in but I heard the door open then shut and the bed sink down.

"Renessmee, sweet girl…" I recognized my mom's voice.

I kept my back turned to her stayed underneath my sheet; she was probably disgusted to look at me! "Nessie, talk to me please…what happened on Thursday? Or if you don't want to talk to me, then call Logan!"

Logan would be worse! I couldn't tell him! I wouldn't! I didn't want to go back to Logan's office. I heard my mother sigh and kiss the top of my head through my sheets! It hurt me that she still loved me but that was because she didn't know about the D. _Gosh!_ _Renessmee! Why are you so stupid!_

By the time Monday morning came around, I didn't want to go to school! My dad walked in to my room while I was hyperventilating! The thought scared me so much that I went in to a fit of panic!

"Nessie, look at me, beautiful girl" my dad's voice spoke, I looked into his amber eyes and pointed to my throat! "I know honey but you need to calm down! Relax! Look, follow me" he put my hand on his chest and so I could match his rhythm but it was impossible! Carlisle walked in and he was holding an injection! That made me hyperventilate more- I was in a panic! My dad held me down gently while Carlisle injected the medication into the fleshy part of my waist. Soon I was floating and I felt at ease.

When I woke, sunlight blinded me and Jasper was at my desk chair, reading book. He looked up and smiled at me. "How are you feeling, Ness?"

"Fine" I said stretching and then I caught sight of the paper on my nightstand and I remembered what caused this whole dilemma! I sank back into my bed, feeling depressed again!

"Renessmee, what is making you so upset?"

"Nothing, uncle Jasper…I don't want to talk about it!"

"Well, you can talk about it with Logan in a few hours. Your dad made an emergency appointment!"

"What?!" I said shooting up in bed, "no! I am not going! No!" I began yelling before a sense of calm washed over me!

"I'm sorry Nessie, but you have no choice" my dad spoke from the door.

"Why are you doing? I don't want to go to Logan's office! No! No! No!" I said furious but I couldn't yell as much as I intended to because Jasper kept forcing me to calm down. My dad had worried eyes and he walked over, "Nessie, why are you so against seeing Logan? What is it that you are avoiding?"

"I'm not avoiding anything! I just don't want to go to Logan's office"

He sighed, "Fine, Renessmee. I won't make you go to Logan's office." I looked at him to see if he was serious and he was! Jasper looked at Edward confused and they both left the room. I got away this time but I didn't know how much longer I could escape from my appointments. I laid in my bed, pulling the covers over my head and drifting to sleep. It felt too soon when the door knocked and I heard my dad talk, "Nessie, someone is here to see you!"

"I don't want to talk to anyone right now!" I said from beneath my covers.

"Well, it's a shame I wasted the ride up here" another voice spoke, I knew that voice! I pulled my covers off and saw Logan standing there, his brief case in hand!

"Ugh! Why are you here?" I said annoyed!

"Well, you said you didn't want to go to Logan's office so I brought Logan here" my dad said before closing the door and leaving Logan and I alone. He walked over to a chair and sat down.

"What's the matter Renessmee?" he asked me.

I thought he wouldn't be able to analyze anything if I didn't say anything so I stayed silent. "Nessie, what happened on Thursday?" he asked again and I just stared at my hands, not saying a word. We stay like that for 20 minutes before he sighed and said, "I can see, that you aren't ready to talk and in which case- I can't make you so I'll just be on my way. Call me when you are ready to talk' he said calmly.

With that he left out the door without another word. That was easier than I thought it would be? I shrugged it off as he walked out the door. I spent a week, off from school. Under my covers and in my room, not leaving for any reason, my family learned to leave me alone and didn't ask me to talk any more. The following Monday came and I went to school but didn't pay attention to any of my lessons and didn't even study for tests. I went home and just stayed in my room. I was a failure and I wasn't going to try and change it! I was meant to stay this way!

Then one day when I got home, I was in trouble as soon as I walked through the door. "Renessmee Carlie Cullen, march yourself into the kitchen right now young lady" my dad sat at the kitchen table with his arms crossed and his face full of anger!

"What is this?" he asked pointing a paper on the table, a progress report! Oh no! He found out! "Why don't you read your grades out to me young lady?" I tried to act like he didn't faze me as I walked towards the paper. "Go ahead!" he said, his anger once again taking over his voice. I had purposefully avoided looking at my grades online because I knew they were horrible!

"AP Shakespearean English…D, AP Psychology 2….D, AP US History….F, AP Analytical science…F, EKG…F, Greek mythology…F" and the last one hurt most of all to read, it was my favorite subject, "AP Calculus" I paused, "F"

"What do you have to say about that?" my father spoke his tone ice.

I shrugged and he spoke again, "Renessmee…I. want. An. Answer!" he said in a deadly low voice! My heart began to race and the numbness that had kept me sane for the last few weeks began to fade! I felt the tears brim at my eyes and I couldn't handle it anymore as tears flooded my eyes once more looking at my grades! I had become a disgrace! I dropped the paper on the table! "WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY!" I yelled! I ran up the steps and shut the door behind me! I ran to my nightstand that had the anit-depressant pills Logan gave me a while ago! I poured a handful out on to my hand and through my head back, swallowing easily 50 pills. As I felt the pills take immediate effect, I heard my door slammed in as Emmett's foot left a mark on the door and my dad came rushing towards me as I lost consciousness!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: PLEASE IGNORE ERRORS, WROTE THIS IN A RUSH! :D COMMENT, REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT! **


	10. Asking for help

**Chapter Ten**

**Edward's Point of view**

I leaned against the glass window in the children's wing in the Port Angeles hospital. My daughter was a few feet away in a hospital bed after having her stomach pumped. Gosh! How could I have been so stupid as to show her the report card! I should have known she would have reacted that way! I know those weren't her normal grades, she works much harder than that!

I scrunched my eyes in pain, gosh, I felt so guilty, I had failed as a parent and this was only a portion of how my beautiful daughter felt on a daily basis. It was then that I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Esme standing there with a sympathetic stare.

"Edward, this is not your fault. She needed the reality check…she wasn't going down the right path and no one could have predicted that she would react that way."

"No, Esme, it is my fault. I've failed as parent…maybe…" I paused, "maybe I wasn't meant to do this…I can't be a father…"

"Edward Anthony! There is no such thing as a perfect father. Do you think your father and I knew what to do every time something went wrong? When you went to Italy with the intention of killing yourself, we had no idea what we were going to do. We didn't know how to keep the family together. We've made mistakes before Edward and you can't beat yourself up for it!" she spoke in a soothing voice while rubbing my tense shoulders.

"Your mother is right Edward" I heard my dad say from a few feet away from us, "no parent on this planet is perfect and you are not the only father who has ever felt like this."

The sob I was trying to fight back earlier finally came up, "I almost lost her" I said in a broken tone. I turned to my dad, "I would've never forgiven myself".

My dad came up to me and pulled me into a hug, it shocked me but I reacted quickly. I fisted my hand into his shirt as I tried to muffle my sob. I almost lost Bella a few years ago and now I almost lost my daughter. Why can't I protect anything that's mine!

"Shhh…Edward, calm down! You are not at fault here. Please believe that son." I stayed in his embrace for a while before I pulled away and returned to looking out the window.

"What do I do now?" I asked.

"Well, maybe you should consider checking her into a hospital that specializes in this…" Carlisle said gently.

"You mean send her to an asylum! She's not crazy Carlisle- she's just depressed!" I said in anger.

"I didn't say an asylum Edward, I know she isn't crazy! There are many hospitals that have programs for suicidal teenagers! They more the often help them."

I sighed, I didn't think I could send my daughter away…I didn't want her to feel abandoned but maybe I couldn't help her any more…maybe in order for her to get better I would have to send her somewhere.

"I just feel so guilty…"

"Edward, you aren't sending her away forever, a few months, maybe two or three at most! You want to help your daughter don't you? Well, part of being a parent Edward is asking for help when your help isn't enough…it's one of the most difficult things but it's necessary. Do you really think I wanted to have Logan come and talk to you for two months after we left Bella?"

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. I knew he was right but I didn't want to admit it to myself, I didn't want to accept it. "I'll talk it over with Bella" I said tersely.

A few hours later I found myself sitting at my daughter's bedside, she was still asleep. It was soothing to know that for at least a little while she was calm, at least for a little while she was in a peaceful state. It was then that I heard heels clacking down from the hallway. I kissed my daughter's forehead and closed the door, meeting Bella outside. She was running at a human pace and when she saw me she ran up to me.

"Where is she?! What happened?! What did the doctors say?! Is she okay?! Did someone call Logan-" I pulled my wife into a kiss to stop her worried chatter and when I pulled away I leaned my forehead against her enjoying the small moment of bliss. I pulled away all too soon but began explaining to calm my wife's ever growing nerves.

"Nessie is alive, she's asleep right now. They had to have her stomach pumped."

"What happened, Edward? What triggered this?" she asked. I pulled the folded piece of paper out of my pocket and handed it to her. She unfolded the paper and looked over it, shock and a hint of anger and understanding crossed her eyes.

"You got angry and confronted her about these grades and she panicked" she immediately described what happened. I nodded my head silently as I sat down and put my head in my hands.

"I'm so sorry Bella! I've failed as a parent. It was horrible!" I said remember the events that lead us to this point.

_Flashback: _

_After Nessie ran upstairs I heard the door slam shut and while I was lost in my anger, anyone in the house could hear the distinct shaking of pills. I stayed frozen for a millisecond before I yelled for Emmett and he flew out of his room to Nessie's door. "Stand back" he said and rammed his foot into the door. It was just as quickly that I noticed Nessie faint._

"_Call 9-1-1" I said harshly, her heart was still beating but I knew the drugs would work quickly. Shortly after Carlisle came in with the EMT's and began setting her on the stretcher. The loaded her into the ambulance and I drove behind them to the hospital. When I got there Nessie was going into cardiac arrest and they were calling a code. Tubes, wires and needles surrounded her and I was going to follow but Carlisle's strong hands stopped me and held me into place. "Edward, she's in good hands. Let us do our job. Emmett take him to the waiting room" as I was being pulled away I could hear the clear sound of Carlisle charging the defibrillator, "clear" he yelled and I heard Nessie's body jolt. _

_I waited for what seemed like hours in a daze, not listening to anything around me, blocking everyone out. I could have sworn I lost her, I could have sworn that she died but then Carlisle came out and took me to her. It was the worst feeling ever, I wondered vaguely if that was how Carlisle and Esme felt when I left to Italy. But the thought disappeared when I saw my daughter- helpless on her hospital bed. _

"Hey, hey, look at me Edward" Bella said grabbing my cheek, pulling me out of my daze "it's not your fault. We expect more from Renessmee and these grades aren't what our daughter is capable of." She kissed me, "we'll get through this. I know we will."

"Bella…Carlisle and Esme proposed something to me this morning about what we should do…" I said hesitantly, "they suggested that we put Nessie is a hospital where she'll be with other kids who are suicidal and depressed. We can still visit her and take her out every now and then but for the most part she'll be there…it hurts me to say this, really it does but…I think it would be for the best."

"You think our daughter is _crazy_?!" she whispered in shock.

"No, not at all but…Bella, think about it…we've done the most we could to help her...Carlisle told me something today and he said that the hardest part of being a parent is asking for help when what you're doing isn't good enough…if we want Nessie to get better…I think we should consider one of these programs. We'll find nothing short of the best." I assured her.

She sighed, putting her hand into mine, "I think you're right Edward. We have done our best and I want our daughter to get better. How are we going to explain it to her though?"

"I haven't decided yet…I know she'll be upset at first but we have to remember that it will help her in the end, okay? We have to stay strong and be there for each other!"

"We will!" she said, honesty in her eyes. We kissed each other once more and we went back into our daughter's room waiting for her slumber to end. We knew the next few months would not be easy but I had a duty to my daughter.

**Author's Note: I'm sorry for the delayed update but school has been so hectic. I hope you liked this chapter. Please review and let me know what you thought. :) and now you can follow me on twitter also: silenceandmoods**


	11. Why me!

**Chapter 11**

_Renessmee's Point of View_

I got my sense of hearing back before anything else, I could hear the constant beeping from somewhere nearby. I knew that sound like the back of my hand; it's the monitor keeping tabs on my heart rhythm. I was in the hospital; I came to the conclusion quickly. Why was I in the hospital though? I can't remember. How many days of school have I missed? Two? Three? More? The second sense that I regained was my sense of touch, I was now aware of the uncomfortable needle in my arm, knowing full well that it was an IV. I could also feel the uncomfortable sheets beneath me and the thin hospital gown.

Finally, with enough will power I opened my eyes and I saw my father, looking back at me with a small smile. I smiled back trying to remember why I was here. Confusion must have been evident on my face because my father asked:

"You don't remember why you're here do you?" he said in soft voice while running his hand through my hair, I saw the hurt, guilt and blame dance in his eyes. Why was he so hurt? Was it because me? Did I do something? Then it all hit me at once like a ton of bricks, it came back in a rush. I remember seeing the report card, bursting out at my dad, the bottle of pills and Emmett pushing the door in. I had tried to kill myself and my dad saved me. I was the reason my dad was so upset with himself…I caused him that pain. The tears formed in my eyes and a few slipped but my dad caught them.

"Shhh…baby girl, relax…don't cry my beautiful princess." He began humming my lullaby until the tears stopped.

"I'm sorry daddy" I said in a whisper, my voice scratchy from not being in use.

"Oh honey! It's okay…we're going to help you" he said but I couldn't help but see a hint of hurt in his eyes as he said that. "Your mother and I won't give up on you".

I stayed in the hospital a few more days for observation; the doctor also put me under suicide watch as well…that had to be the worst part of this whole experience. People had to feed me and I couldn't go to the bathroom alone, when I got my food there was only a spoon, no fork or knife. It became annoying, especially for someone who is used to being independent. There wasn't even a window to look out of while I spent my days here, I was forced to watch TV but I couldn't control it myself…the remote had a wire attached to it so my dad was the one that had to control it. Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie all came over in that time span though and we talked and played games. Emmett almost got himself kicked out when he played a prank on one of the nurses. But finally, the day came when I was able to leave. I was very thankful to finally be free but I noticed as I was getting ready that my grandfather and parents were both a little anxious. When we got to the car, I slid into the back seat next to my mom and my father and grandfather went in the front. We drove for about 45 minutes before I realized we weren't heading towards Forks, we were heading in the opposite direction towards Seattle, my parents and grandfather all kept sharing glances with each other, as if they could sense that I was on to them.

"Hey, we are going in the wrong direction!" I told them.

"Umm…we are taking a trip somewhere else, it's in Seattle" my mother answered.

"Oh, where are we going?" it's odd that they didn't mention this to me before. What's up? Something's not right here.

"You'll see when we get there" my dad answered.

We all rode in silence for the longest time before we entered the Seattle area. I noticed my mother start to rub soothing circles on my hand, something was up and it made me very uneasy. My mother kept whispering "I love you, Nessie" every so often and Carlisle and Dad mimicked her as well. Finally, we pulled up to a huge building; brown walls with an almost earthly feel to it. Beautiful trees were bursting at the entrance. I got out of the car and when I walked towards the entrance the door to the building was automatic and the floor in the lobby was marble and very fancy. Windows towered towards the ceiling, letting light come in. I thought it was a hotel at first but then I noticed the pamphlets on top of the huge counter; some were about eating disorders, others about anxiety but a few were about self-harm and it all hit me at once- they were sending to away to a clinic! It all made sense now; the silent car ride, the lack of information, it was all coming together! They were going home but I wasn't! I stopped in my tracks and turned back towards the car, I opened the door and I sat in the back seat. My Carlisle and my parents came towards me.

"Nessie please come out" my mother tried.

"Take me home!" I said upset that they would just send me away.

"Nessie, this place is going to help you- we aren't getting rid of you- this is to help you! We want to see you get better." Carlisle tried to explain to me.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes, "No! How dare you send me away! You don't love me, do you? I'm not perfect enough to be a part of your family, am I?"

"Nessie, just come inside and we can talk about it!" my dad tried to compromise "and you _know _that's not true. We love you just the way you are, you are perfect to us and I'm so sorry that you can't see that but this place is going to help with that…it has the best treatment!"

"We can talk about it on our way to Forks!" tears slid down my face and then a familiar face came in front of me, Logan. Not someone I was particularly fond of!

"Renessmee, I work here, this is a good place- it's going help you so much if you just let it. The faster your health improves, the faster you'll leave. Your parents love you very much, so much so that they are willing to send you here. They're able to visit any time they want and you can talk to them over the phone as long as you want. I know its scary being here but that's only because it's new. Come out of the car and inside and we can all talk, I'll show you around and it'll be fine. I promise…do you trust me Renessmee?"

My breathing was becoming difficult but I grabbed Logan's hand and he pulled me out of the car and I walked into the place, holding onto my father who kept whispering words of comfort.

"Welcome to Pine Crest Hills" smiled a lady at the front; I really didn't want to be here! I really, really, really didn't want to stay here but I had a feeling that the choice was no longer in my control.


End file.
